Sometimes I look in the mirror and often do not recognize myself. In one brief glimpse I seem to be able to see everything thing I have ever done….good and bad. I see the newest lines and the tired eyes and just stare. I have been living in a single shade of grey for it seems forever. My life is not sunny but it is not raining either. My life has become partly cloudy emotionally. Sometimes in the recent past I think I drank to have some experience with emotion at all. There is nothing that I really feel like doing, I just drift. I am present for my children but when they do not need me, I sink back into my grey box. Friends invite me to do things but I face it with a sense of anxious dread. I know I would probably feel better if I went but it just seems too much to face. The Grey is where some of the worst decisions can be made. A person in the Grey will often do anything to feel or experience color, sun or even rain. If you have not lived in the Grey then it is hard to understand how this feels. A person could just say “just get out” or “just stay busy etc.” I know they mean well but it is not that easy. As I sit with people I know that if they really knew me they would reject me. I have not been perfect and often remain in the hidden grey darkness because it is safer, or so it can seem.
Sunday at church the Pastor talked of spiritual gifts. He listed and asked us to identify the ones we felt that God had given us. I have mixed feelings about some but am sure of my gift of encouragement and compassion. Then I thought about while in the Grey, what do I do with these gifts? What has the enemy tried to take? The enemy will discourage the encourager and harden the heart of the compassionate. So I am praying that God will place people in my path and life that need a positive word or gesture toward them. I pray that God will soften my heart and let me be the person that is not the rejector of others. I need a break in the clouds…….
