The Wandering Road

I’m stumbling down a road, my feet are bleeding and they hurt. I’m thirsty. The sun bakes me and is hot. I think of my life. Then I remember a dream. Or was it a dream?

Once upon a dark time there lived a girl that only ever wanted to be a significant and beautiful princess. But then the night wolves came……

This is my story or is it? I wander along my road and it’s dusty. I contemplate my steps, decisions and food. I’m so tired and lonely. A long time ago I road in a beautiful car with God. It’s a wonderful car with everything you could ever need. It’s the kind of car you think you could live in and want to but that’s another story.

As I said I used to always ride in that car. The storms sometimes came but I was in the perfect place. Protected and wise, but at some point we can all step out and walk away…God doesn’t advise it but it is your choice.

Today I wake up. Dirty, sore, used and stupid. No one knows my path. God shakes his head. He loves me as he remembers David and his sin. Yes the cross road of poor choices calls to us all but will we answer? For many years I said no but then the night wolves came. One in particular came. He changed everything. I think of him. His name was Salim. He is not as strong here as he was in my last home. I pray he does not find me. But then I think the joke is on me. He has set me up for my current life for no telling how long. His beautiful eyes and scent call to me in the past. I happily laid down with him as he chewed and ate my flesh and bones. I didn’t care….one look into his eyes and I was lost. In some ways that is the beginning for the this fairytale. I found a prince, just not the right one and now I wander broken bleeding, shameful and alone. This was always his plan and how stupid of me to not know it. God knows and he is not surprised. He pulls up beside me in the car but I cannot make eye contact. I am too dirty for the car. I feel too guilty. He reminds me of the prodigal son and I decide that I can get in. I ride for a while basking in the familiarity of our wonderful God. I ask him how can I stay in the car. All is right in the car, all needs met. My feet hurt and I am bleeding. So hurting and desperate for healing. God points out healing balms in the floor board. I see them- Obedience, Forgiveness and Worship.

Im ashamed to say I chafe at these. I cling to my anger and rebellion like food to a starving man. I want healing but I cannot swallow unwrapping them. God’s eyes are sad. He slows because I have asked to get out of the car. I have spent much needed time with him but I refuse to let him heal me at this time. But he loves me because He is good and wonderful and amazing. I am the problem but I carry on my rebellious way down my road. Oh I see Ryanault, I do so love him! He is on my path and so much fun. I stop off and see him. He offers me food. It tastes so amazing but then after a few hours I begin to be sick. This is me and Ryanault. He is fun, I love him, but his food is poison. It does not make him sick but me it makes very sick but I usually eat it anyway.

This has become my existence. The car, getting out of the car, getting sick, and then the night wolves come.

You may are probably asking who are these night wolves? They are the monsters of nightmares, terrors, closets and haunted houses. If you ride with God you will see them but you are distant from them. I decided not to ride with God and take the wolves head on. Suicide, rejection, rage, drunkedness, sexual desires and insecurity are many of their names. They have circled me my whole life. They waited for me and don’t be fooled they wait for you. Stay in the car! But I didn’t so here we are inside my journey.